** Comic Relief :)

Definitions:

Accident, n.:
A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.

Afternoon:
That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Adult:
One old enough to know better.

Automobile, n.:
A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.

Boy, n.:
A noise with dirt on it.

Brain, n.:
An apparatus with which we think that we think.
- Ambrose Bierce

Budget:
A method for going broke methodically.

Character density:
The number of very weird people in the office.

Conversation:
A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.

Credit:
A concept with which you buy something you don't need with money you don't have.

Dictatorship:
A form of government under which everything not prohibited is compulsory.

Discussion, n:
A method of confirming others in their errors.
- Ambrose Bierce

Future, n.:
That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true, and our happiness is assured.
- Ambrose Bierce

Shin, n:
A device for finding furniture in the dark.

A synonym is the word you use when you can't spell the right one and therefore can't find it in the dictionary.

Conscience is the inner voice which warns us that someone might be looking.
- H.L. Mencken

The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning "many", and the word "ticks", meaning "blood sucking parasites".

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

An egotist is a person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
-- Ambrose Bierce

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a narrow field.
- Niels Bohr

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less.
- Nicholas Murray Butler

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
- Albert Einstein

The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.
- William James

Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.
- E. B. White

Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
- Laurence J Peter

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.

A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.

A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J Peter

Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.
- Russell Baker

Ballet is to prove that gravity doesn't exist.
Modern dance is to prove that gravity exists and is a bitch.

An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears that this is true.

A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
- Mark Twain

There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
- Mark Twain

Feudalism - it's your count that votes!

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=) Very witty I must say!!!

~ Rads